Different Mindset AFTER attending Jillian Michaels Maximize Your Life Tour

Last night I had the privilege of attending Jillian Michaels Maximize Your Life Tour at the Warner Theatre in DC. I wasn’t too sure what to expect from the show. I didn’t know if it was a weight loss event, a motivational speaking event... I just didn’t know, but it was my chance to see Jillian Michaels and hear what she had to say live. I was hoping that Jillian was the person who I perceived her to be. There is always fear when about to see/meet someone who you admire. I had the same feeling when I met Richard Simmons for the first time.

Like Richard, Jillian was so much more than I expected! Jillian is honest, funny, no-nonsense, but is also very compassionate. She understands the mental struggles that are associated with getting the better life that you desire. Most of us know she understands what it is like to be overweight. But she also understands what it is like to be scared to take risks that facilitate growth.

She shared many personal stories, she educated us on nutrition and how to really read food labels, she showed us that quality of the food is what matters, she proved that it’s not an all or nothing deal. She taught us the effective workouts that have given her success not only with the Biggest Loser contestants, but also her real life clients and for herself! While I did learn a lot from those sections of the show... It was the “self” portion of the show where I had my self realization moment. This section wasn’t about weight loss, though it could have been for some. This was about life. We covered everything from work, school, family, inner demons, fear, letting go etc... This was about what holds us back and why.

For those that know me very well, they know that I am fearful of falling flat on my face. It doesn’t matter that I know I can do something. The “what-if’s” and fear of the unknown outcome tends to put the brakes on. Let’s look at two similar examples...

When I became certified to teach various fitness classes I was terrified to actually teach. I was scared that I couldn’t do it. I was scared that the students wouldn’t like me. I was scared that I would be perceived as too easy. I was scared of being rejected in the fitness industry because of my size. I knew I could do it. But those thoughts were flooding through my mind. It wasn’t until another more experienced instructor told me that I could do it and I am good at it and just go for it. They told me for a specific class to make a bold first impression. “Plaster them to the wall.” I did. Since then I am extremely comfortable. I get nervous when teaching something new, but that’s different. I’m not paralyzed with fear. Once the music gets going I’m right back in my element. So this example is something that was easily worked through with the encouragement from a mentor.

 

This second example highlights my ah-ha moment during last night’s show.

 

Currently I work a basic 9-5 and then I teach fitness classes and do personal training. My 9-5 is life draining. There is little joy, I wake up in the morning and grumble and I go through the motions to get through the day. Being cooped up in a cube all day is not my idea of fun. However, it pays most of the bills and provides my much needed health insurance. Usually by Sunday afternoon I am already dreading going to the office the following day. Now, when it comes to teaching, training, or speaking I am up at the crack of dawn. I’m excited; I’m pumped up and ready to go. I would love to do more with fitness. I know I have to keep the 9-5 for insurance reasons.  But there is no reason that I can’t take on more classes, clients, or speaking engagements. Here’s the problem. I don’t! I have a million reasons why: I don’t have time, I am too tired, my 9-5 gets in the way, I have dogs, I want free time, etc... These are all very stupid reasons not to take on more. They are excuses. They are putting a cover on for what is really holding me back, fear. One of the fears I have is fear of it not happening. So what Jillian said was pure brilliance. She asked us to identify what the worst case scenario is if we don’t get what we want. The worst case is we don’t get what we want. After all, most of our goals if we don’t get it we aren’t going to die, we aren’t hurting anyone. It’s just the fear of not getting what we desire. But guess what... “You already don’t have it!” (Jillian Michaels, 2013)

It can be about anything-

·         You want to date someone and worry about being rejected or not being their girlfriend/boyfriend... guess what you already are not dating so what do you have to lose?

·         You could want a better paying job but afraid to go for it because you may not get it and feel judged in someway... guess what you already don’t have the higher paying job.

·         You want to lose 60 pounds but are afraid of not being able to do it... guess what you are already carrying the weight.

So the reality is... we really have nothing to lose because we don’t have what we desire. We are already at the bottom rung and the only place to go is up!

I had many moments that were eye opening. But I just want to share one more. She was talking about nutrition and reading labels. Specifically we were talking about the low fat or no fat labels that claim to have zero calories. Zero calories sounds amazing right? There are health experts out there who suggest we eat these zero calorie condiments/foods because they are better for us. Personally, I prefer the full versions and just watch my portion sizes. But that’s another topic for another day. Anyways... There was one label that she showed on the screen. No fat, no calories. SCOOOORE!!! Right? Doesn’t that sound too good to be true? Well if it sounds too good to be true than it is. When looking at the ingredients list things didn’t add up... I’ll just give one ingredient that was on the list that will leave you scratching your head. Buttermilk. Can someone please explain to me how buttermilk has no calories? Anyways, it turns out that this product has 1200 calories per bottle. That doesn’t sound calorie free to me. They get around it because of serving size. And then they are allowed to round. Once rounded there is legally no calories. But there is. You can’t go crazy with these no calorie products. There are calories. A very irritating loophole if you ask me. We are trying to get healthy and do the right thing, but the way labels are allowed to be makes it very difficult. She then showed us what to avoid and what to look for. Very eye opening. Ok, one more example with labels... then I’ll stop talking about it. There are multiple names for sugar. We think we are making a good choice by purchasing a protein bar. Sugar is not one of the first three ingredients on the label so we get it. But is this actually true? We must keep reading that label,  if you see three or four different sugars on the label chances are sugar should be a top three ingredient. It’s not because it’s a different type of sugar, which is the work around to ensure sugar isn’t the first thing on the label. I don’t know about you but this makes me mad. We the consumer must educate ourselves.

Jillian Michaels Maximize Your Life Tour was well done, well thought out, well researched, but most importantly real. There was a true connection between her and the audience. What makes it great is her passion. She loves what she does, she loves to teach and empower people and it shows. This show goes beyond weight loss. This show empowers you to dare to tackle your dreams. Anyone can dream, but this is about going after what you really want.

And I’ll leave you with this message. Remember when Jillian said “Unless you faint, puke or die, keep going.” We are not on the biggest loser. We are at home. We don’t have medics on standby. Jillian would rather you stop and be safe. She said so, just last night.

If the opportunity arises for me to see her again I would without any hesitation. If her tour is coming to a city near you, do yourself a favor. Get a ticket. It is well worth it. I gained more real life insight from her in 2+ hours than I had from anyone else. This isn’t a weight loss show, this is a show on life.

 Dare to live your dreams

~Meg

 

 

 

 ;)

Makes Me Stronger: The Power of Positive Thinking

The power of positive thinking. What comes to your mind when you hear that phrase? Do you right away go negative? Do you feel annoyed? Do you immediately think of the chirpy girl in the office who constantly says “aww that’s ok look at the bright side” with wide eyed enthusiasm?

Or perhaps you are nodding your head in agreement because you already KNOW what the power of positive thinking does and how it has worked for you.

Our thoughts create our own reality whether it’s positive or negative. We are exactly what we believe. We can choose how we feel. We are in control of our own emotions. This doesn’t mean that we are not going to get sad, mad, scared, etc… That is human nature. But once we work through our emotions and come to some sort of acceptance to the situation, this is where change really occurs.

Think of it like this. Your life is going great. Everything is starting to fall into place. Your dreams are coming true; you are content, happy, excited, and literally full of life. You know what you want. You went and got it. You made it happen. You set your intention, you did the work, and now you are reaping the rewards of your effort. Now that you are finally living the life you have desired you are over the moon happy.

You are so happy that you aren’t even thinking that anything could go wrong. After all how could it. You are attracting good things by your positive attitude.

But then something happens. Something unexpected and suddenly… that happy confident feeling you never gave second thought too bursts. Suddenly you are slapped with reality. You are suddenly aware of how fragile life is and how fragile our dreams really are. We become painfully aware that nothing is guaranteed.

This is where we have to dig deep. We have to look into ourselves. We have to try to change our mindset. Of course, first experience the emotions. It’s not only natural but it’s healthy. Then you must look into yourself. Realize that the shock is something you do not want in life. We must experience both the positive and the negative in life in order to achieve balance. Acknowledging the negative experience doesn’t give it more power; unless, you let it consume you. Instead, let the seemingly bad enhance the positive experiences; your desires, hopes and dreams. Let that negativity make you stronger. Let it make you fight for what you want in life. Let it force you to appreciate the good you had and still have. Let it reaffirm how strong you are.

The “Law of Attraction” is a very cool concept. It’s been around for ages, it’s just become popularized recently. It shows how to bring what we desire to ourselves. It’s the power of positive thinking! Part of achieving our desires and becoming happier and empowered is living as if. Living as if simply means that you are living your life as though you already have what you desire. You are living in the moment.

Let’s put that into context using a weight loss scenario, though it could be about anything, relationships, housing, work, finances, etc…

Story Time:

Jessie, a 27 year old female has embarked on a weight loss journey. She got tired of being overweight and wanted to do something about it. She knew that she didn’t want to be that girl. She wanted to be better. She knew she could do better. Jessie started walking around the block and then starting jogging, next thing she knew she was running. Jessie was excited. She was seeing all the changes she wanted to see. Her clothes were looser, she felt better, looked better, had more confidence, and this positive experiencing she was having with her weight loss started spilling over into other aspects of her life. Her confidence began showing at work, she was picked for exciting new multi-media projects, she joined a basketball league with her co-workers, started a weight loss group where she provided support and they exercised together in a safe friendly environment. Everything was looking up. All because she knew she wanted to make a change. She knew what she wanted, and she knew what she didn’t want.

Then one day, Jessie got sick. At first she didn’t think too much about it. There has been a nasty bug going around the office leaving people out of work for 3+ more weeks. Then just as soon as she felt better she was knocked down again. Exhausted, hurting, unable to walk around the block anymore let alone run. She went to the doctors and they ran tests looking to see what was going on in her body. She got some scary news.

Devastated, Jessie lost sight of what she wanted. Her once sunny bright happy world turned dark and gloomy with one conversation. She began to withdraw. She was scared; she didn’t know what to do. Her outlet to relieve stress was running, but now she couldn’t because she didn’t have the energy. Just day to day walking had become exhausting. She started concentrating on the worst case scenario. She started wondering “what if this is all over?” “What if I’m not meant to be that fit and healthy girl?” “What if it’s really bad and I can’t do what I was born to do?” She knew that she wasn’t a trainer or fitness professional. But she was the leader of her weight loss group. She created the exercises, she rallied the troops. She wondered what if I can’t do that anymore.

At this point Jessie is living as if the possible negative outcome is confirmed. She lost sight of what she wants. She lost sight of who she has already become. She is still that girl. Nothing has changed…yet. But she fell into a deep dark place filled with worry and fear. With that worry and fear she started to struggle more. It was as though she was attracting everything she didn’t want. You see, the “Law of Attraction” works both ways. Jessie needs to make a choice at this point. Does she want to be open and accept all the positive that is already around her or does she want to be closed to it. Only focusing on the negative which is only making her feel worse.

Jessie can’t control what her results will be. But she can control her attitude and shift her thoughts into more positive thinking. She must believe she is going to be ok. She must believe no matter what happens she’s got this. Whatever “it” is. Jessie needs to find that strength and resiliency. The same formula that she used to gain her confidence, to lose the weight, to become a runner, and to be the natural motivator that she is today. She’s got to dig deep. Otherwise she will be destroyed by the negative self-talk.

Positive thinking isn’t a cure all. But it will help Jessie achieve peace with what is going on. It will also help her continue to be the fighter that she is. It’s been said many times by so many people that you don’t know what you have until you lose it all. This is where Jessie’s fear is coming from. She finally found herself and the thought of losing it all is too much too handle. However, keeping a positive outlook will make it at least a little easier.

Jessie did decide to take her life back. She decided she was going to live. She fought back. She modified her route around the block. She did what she could do. She told her group what was going on, allowing others to step up and shine. She surrounded herself with positive people and listened to her “power” music. She dug deep. She fought back. As she fought back, she started feeling mentally stronger.

While Jessie may not know the outcome, she is fighting for the life she wants. The life she desires. The life she put into motion. She is choosing to live a happy life.

Does this mean she isn’t scared? No it doesn’t. It just means she isn’t letting it control her every waking thought. She is more than a bunch of symptoms. She is Jessie, basketball player, friend, coach, designer, runner, sister, aunt, teacher, student, etc. She chooses to continue to live the life she built for herself. She’ll deal with the rest when she has more information.

Being Realistic:

It is harder to think positive. Especially when facing a hard time. It’s so easy to go straight into panic mode. This is the society we live in. Always expect the worse. I think we should switch this way of thinking. After all it’s only a mindset. Let’s start expecting the best that could happen.

While we should prepare ourselves for something unpleasant, we shouldn’t dwell on it. We shouldn’t let it take over our lives because there are some situations that we simply do not have control over. The only control we have is how we choose to deal with it. We can give in before we have all the facts. Or we can be the fighter that we know we are. We can say no. We can say “you know what… we don’t know.” We can say “no matter what happens it’ll be ok, we will deal with it.” The positive mind frame makes all the difference in the world.

It’s your choice. Choose to be who you are born to be…. Or not. Choose to attract the good in your life. When bad things are thrown at you, fight that much harder for your dreams. Nothing comes free and easy. You gotta fight for it. Be a fighter. Be stronger. You can do it. You got this.

Public Service Announcement

I am sick and tired of people treating those who are overweight as a punching bag. I am sick and tired of people assuming that those who are morbidly obese got that way because they are lazy and they don't care. I'm sick and tired of the looks.

 

People who are overweight... they know they are overweight. They are reminded of this everytime they look in the mirror, when they try on clothes, when they can't fit through an aisle at the clothing store, when they can't fit in a booth, or they can't fit in a ride, ride a horse, and get winded walking from the front door to the car. The world is built for "normal" sized people. 

 

If you are reading this and you are one  of those people who tear the overweight down. Stop it. Instead offer them a helping hand. 

 

People don't get to be 400+ pounds just because they like food. Sure it plays a part.. but it's offering some sort of comfort. This is why there are so many emotional break throughs during weightloss journies. Yes, they need accountability... But stop feeding the problem by tearing them down. Be a supporter. Be that person who makes a difference.

 

In my time that I have been helping people lose weight.. comfort food is the number 1 reason for eating. Not because it tastes good, but because it makes them feel good. Being mean to these people... they are going to go for that escape. Just stop it. It's not right.

 

One last thing... I'm sick and tired of the overweight feeling as though they are not welcome in gyms. The overweight are very aware of their size in comparison with others. They don't need anyone telling them they shouldn't be there! A gym is a place to build health. Welcome them. Don't stare. Encourage... or if you can't be nice.. keep your mouth shut.

 

Remember, each and every one of you are absolutely worth it. The weight wasn't put on over night. It's not going to come off over night. Surround yourself with positive people, and get rid of those who are causing you distress.

Saying Goodbye

Once upon a time fast food was a staple of my life. I would stop at various fast food establishments multiple times a day without second thought and certainly no regret. I had no idea how much more money I was spending on take out versus how much I could have been saving had I gone grocery shopping more often. I had no idea how much better I could have been feeling had I been making well balanced meals at home versus high fat, high sodium, high calorie meals. But perhaps the unhealthy take-out meals were not the only problem. When I did go grocery shopping, my cart wasn’t colorful. It was full of pre-packed frozen dinners, pizzas, ice cream, etc…


Does this mean today that I don’t eat fast food at all? No, of course not. But I do make very different choices. You just have to work the menu for what you need. Is it easier ordering a number 2? It sure is, but what are you getting out of it? Instead order a salad with grilled chicken on it. You need the protein; just a bunch of lettuce isn’t going to do anything for your body. It’s a better choice.

With that said, recently I learned something about myself. I stopped to grab a sandwich from a major fast food chain. I was hours away from home, I ran out of snacks. I made a choice. I knew exactly how to make it work and stay within my calorie range, though it would be a fat and sodium bomb. I didn’t want a salad, I really wanted a burger. I made a calculated decision that I normally would shy away from.

However, it ended up not being the bomb I thought it would be. I took one bite and hated it. I thought it was absolutely disgusting. This isn’t the first time that this had happened when I grabbed something quick and convenient. It’s been happening time and time again. I felt sad because I no longer enjoy the food that gave me such a sense of pleasure in the past.

I needed to figure out why I was getting upset. Surely I couldn’t have been that unhappy simply because I didn’t like something with a million calories in it that would serve me no purpose. I had to do some soul searching. I had to, there was no choice. Why was I sad about not enjoying fast food?

I realized that I was sad because I was letting go of a part of my past. I was letting go of an old friend that comforted me when I felt all alone. I was letting go of the bitterness I carried with me from events that occurred in my past. I was letting go of the fear and the anger of the past. There is no need to fear the past. The past has already happened. I’m fine. The anger, I just had to let it go. Food is not my constant companion anymore. Food is nothing more than fuel that ensures my body can work to its fullest potential.

Before, when people would talk about mind-body-soul, I thought I understood what they were saying. But I didn’t believe it. Why? Because I didn’t get it. My body was getting healthier and stronger, I was able to accept my spirituality and be ok with who I am without any apologies. It was the mind that wasn’t fully on board. I get it now. It is clear and I don’t understand how I didn’t see it before. But that doesn’t matter now. What matters is I am transforming into an even stronger person with more understanding of who I am today and who I was yesterday. I also have a clear picture of what I will look like tomorrow. While the future isn’t set in stone, I do know it is a very bright future with endless possibilities.

I love how great life can be if we are willing to do the hard work and face ourselves.


Stay Strong.

Too Fat to Lose? I Don't Think So!

I have recently heard an argument that seems to be getting louder and louder as time goes on. I don’t know if I am hearing it more because I am doing more research on different techniques to help people achieve their weight loss goals or if more people are actually talking about it. The argument is this: some people believe that those who are obese are unable to lose weight or maintain their weight loss in the long term because they don’t have the ability to commit and are not consistent with their individualized weight loss plan.


That is a pretty bold statement and rather judgmental. I am not a fan of labels or putting people into one category. Everyone has their own reasons why they became overweight. For people to judge and say that it is not possible to lose weight or maintain it because of commitment and consistency issues is a slap in the face to each and every person who is struggling with their weight, for those who have succeeded in weight loss and maintaining, and those who are trying to get the courage to take that first step.

Being overweight is hard enough, being obese is harder, and being super obese…there is just nothing to compare. It’s downright hard. The everyday activities that people take for granted are not a reality for many. Not to mention when they venture out into public they are subjected to stares, comments, and general unwarranted judgment by others. Then to hear the nay-sayers comments of it is not possible to lose the weight because of some preconceived notion that they are not committed or they don’t care for themselves. That is crap. It’s not fair. While there are some individuals who truly don’t care for themselves there are so many more who are seeking support. They don’t need to be torn down, they get that enough. Then to plant that seed of doubt that they can’t do it. It’s not fair. More than likely there is already fear and doubt running through their minds. I know my mind was filled with negative thoughts including self-doubt.

While yes, commitment plays an enormous role in weight loss I truly believe that those who need to lose a good amount of weight have commitment. Just not in the area that supports a healthy active lifestyle. They may be committed to the convenience of daily take out, or watching 4+ hours of television per night, parking close to the stores. They are committed to a sedentary lifestyle.

Yes consistency also plays a huge role in weight loss. However I believe it is unrealistic to expect anyone to be perfectly on target with any plan. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Yes, be consistent. Take one day at a time. Track everything by keeping a food and exercise log. Write it down, even things that were not part of the plan write it down. No food amnesia allowed. The reason is simple. At the end of the month it will be possible to take a look back and see the consistency of the exercise and the good choices. If there are more good days that is consistent, if there are more bad days that too is consistent. Either way it is a starting point. A place to build and grow. It will be possible to see exactly where the changes need to be made. Keeping a log allows the ability to track the progression of the journey. It’s not something to be thrown away at the end of the month. It is another tool to keep accountable.

The formula is simple. LiveFit Revolution says it the best: Commitment=Results. 

The results come from whatever energy is put out. Let’s keep the energy positive and not bring anyone down. Everyone has the ability to lose weight. Everyone has the ability to maintain weight loss. The journey will not be perfect. Concentrate on the progress. Celebrate all achievements no matter how small they may seem… It all adds up.

In response to the argument that those who are obese are unable to lose weight or maintain their weight loss in the long term because they don’t have the ability to commit and are not consistent with their individualized weight loss plan… It’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it? They do have the ability to commit and they do have the ability to remain consistent. It’s all a matter of timing. These people have to want it; they have to be willing to put in the work. It is not easy, nor should it be. The personal growth that is achieved during a weight loss journey is remarkable. People become different. They shed themselves, including all of the baggage and become shiny and new. That is a scary prospect- becoming a new and improved person. I don’t blame anyone for not being able to be consistent all of the time or if their commitment level falters from time to time. It takes courage.

Nay-sayers… keep your mouths shut.

To those who have weight to lose. You can do it. Don’t listen to those nay-sayers. Listen to those who want to lift you up and support you. Listen to that voice within yourself that wants to make the change.


You are stronger than you think…both mentally and physically.

Yesterday I was Super Morbidly Obese.

At what point do we realize how far we have come? Is it when we realize we went down in clothing size? Is it when we realize we can fit in a booth at a restaurant? Or when we realize we can buckle a seatbelt? Is it when we realize we can make it through a whole fitness class? Is it when we realize that we are making different choices? Or is it something totally different? Does it happen well after the new events?


It wasn’t until this weekend did I have my ultimate realization.

It happened Saturday morning when I had to give myself a pep talk before teaching spin. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had no idea how I was going to get through the class myself let alone keeping the class motivated and engaged. I had to get my head on straight; I needed a quiet moment for myself. As I stood in the empty locker room I looked into the mirror and gave myself a pep talk.

I am strong.

I have it in me to do great things and to get out there and motivate those people waiting for class to start.

I am so much stronger than I think I am.

At that moment, I suddenly got it.

My trainer has a couple phrases that she uses all the time. “You are stronger than you think you are” and constantly tells me “You’re stronger than that,” especially when I am beginning to struggle.

I never really got it until that moment. I am not the fat girl. I am not a fat instructor. I am fit and agile and strong and yes I am stronger than I think because I am not the fat girl anymore. At that point when I was looking in the mirror the fat girl disappeared and I saw me. There was no fat girl looking back at me. The result was an amazing class. I was full of energy and cheered them on as we jumped and raced. I have always been an energetic instructor but somehow this day felt different.

The next day I went to Christine after her spin n pump classes. Yes I did participate before anyone asks! I told her that I was not obese anymore acknowledging that I wasn't that fat girl anymore. I never really accepted my new body until the morning before. I have been reluctant on purchasing new smaller clothes because I “knew” that they wouldn’t fit. I was wrong about that too. I can shop off the rack from any store, just like I could when I was in high school.

A lot of you may be wondering how I’ve never seen in myself what others were seeing especially with all of the accomplishments I have shared in the past. You have to realize its one thing to tell people that I couldn't fit in a booth, wear normal clothes, and broke not just one chair but two chairs. It’s embarrassing, yes, without a doubt. However it is nothing like having to come face to face with what you have become. I was never a broken chair or a clothing size. I had to recognize, acknowledge and accept that I was super morbidly obese which became real when I went from that point to obese. Losing over 100 pounds and still being obese. That’s a big realization right there. That is how you know how heavy you have become.

I had to learn how to take the trash out of my head which is something I finally learned how to do within the past few months. I had to let it all go and had to trust the process. I was feeling stuck. I wasn’t feeling like the athlete that I had become. I still felt like the fat girl.

Today, I just want to get stronger. I want to run faster, longer. I want to lift heavier. I want to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life. I just want to be better. I want to do better. I can do that and I will do that.

Tasting the Past: Emotional Distress

Last night when I got home from the gym I went to make dinner. I wasn’t thrilled with anything that was in the house. Eventually I opted for thinly cut pork loin. Usually when I make it- it is super tender and moist. I cook it on the stove and then bake until perfection. I was impatient last night, I was feeling hungry despite having a protein bar after my workout. So I opted for fast and knew it would have the consistency of steak instead of pulled pork. All I did was put it in a nonstick pan with seasoning and added some bbq sauce when it was done. As it cooked it smelled great. I made up some onions and mushrooms and a side of beans. I also had some apple sauce with it. It was supposed to be a really good dinner.


Once it was done I sat down to eat it. The first bite was amazing. The second was pretty good. The third it started to get dicey. Next thing I knew I was sharing the pork with Koda. It’s not that it tasted bad because it wasn’t. The problem was it brought back a lot of memories that I had buried for so long. Emotions started bubbling up. All because the texture and the taste of the pork matched the pork chop dinners that I had when I was a kid-despite using a totally different recipe. We had pork chops a lot. More than I care to remember. It got to the point where I would refuse to eat it and ended up only eating the side dishes. My mom wasn’t happy about this but my dad was supportive and just pleased that I was eating my veggies.

This was my first time in over 12 years eating pork in this way. I started to feel angry, upset, physically ill… I felt like a failure, I felt poor. All from the texture and familiar taste of mom’s pork chops. Literally as I fought back the tears as I ate dinner last night I was getting more and more upset. I didn’t want to eat it. I felt as though my past was coming back to haunt me. I began to have memories pop up that I didn’t want to remember. Followed by remembering how I coped when I was a child into teenage years. I ate. I ate a lot, which you would have never known at the time. I was quite skinny. It wasn’t until I got older that I put the weight on.

After dinner I just wanted to be left alone. So I went to my room and iced down my shins and played a game on my phone. I was trying to deal with my emotions and didn’t really know how. Those memories took a perfectly good mood and turned them upside down. After a while, I got up and started to tidy up the kitchen. I found myself wanting to go through some of my old things in my room and just start throwing everything away. Anything that was a reminder of my past I wanted gone. I didn’t though. I decided to wait until this weekend because I may feel differently. I didn’t want to act totally irrational. After all… I was fine until I ate the pork.

It wasn’t too long after I was done with the kitchen that I decided to turn in for the night. I opened my window and listened to the crickets and frogs chirping. I felt the cool breeze enter my room, it was nice. But then the emotions in the pit of my stomach start to come up. I felt something warm and wet fall down my face. I laid there and couldn’t believe it. Crying? Over what? Next thing I knew I was thinking that 7-11 was open 24 hours and I could go get some chili nachos and a Slurpee, then I thought about a double whopper and chicken nuggets. Next thing I knew I wanted Ding Dong’s, Cheetos, Dorito’s, Oreo cookies, and donuts. Then I remembered a commercial I saw for Oreo donuts…even better. I was cursing Arby’s for closing so early because I love their sandwiches. Even though I only have one more week to go of my experiment of cutting out red meat. Last night I didn’t care. I wanted it all. I wasn’t interested in my fruits n berries. I wanted “real” food that “everyone” else can eat. I wanted something that tasted good. And the more I realized I didn’t have what I wanted the angrier I was getting. The interesting thing about this is you won’t find those types of foods in my kitchen. I know myself and know that I will want to eat an entire bag or box so it’s safer not being around.

Finally, I slowly began to come to my senses as I was debating on whether or not I was really going to go on a tour of various fast food places. I remembered how hard I have been working on getting healthier and stronger. I remembered my totally bad ass workout with Christine earlier in the day. I remembered how I have been able to amp up my workouts day by day and then… Then I realized I keep a food log for her to help keep me accountable and tweak things so everything is running at optimum levels… Did I really want to show her an all-out binge? Did I really want to know how many calories I was putting into my body? It’s bad enough that I would know about it- but to share something like that with her… I ended up walking laps in the house and then eventually fell asleep. I was so mad that I don’t have my punching bag anymore. I would have loved to go all out with that thing.

When I awoke this morning I was feeling a little better. I was pleased that I didn’t cave and head out into the darkness to feed my emotions. That wouldn’t have solved anything. It would have made me feel worse, both physically and mentally.

I won last night’s battle. But clearly the war still hasn’t been won. As I sit her typing this- the phantom smell of the pork permeates my nose. My throat feels like it’s choking up from the anticipation of the familiar texture. My stomach is churning. I didn’t bring the leftovers with me today for lunch. I don’t want them. I will give them away. I don’t like feeling like I did as I was growing up. I am stronger now. But the texture, smell, and flavor of the pork chop is testing my mental strength. I can’t let my past pull me back in. I must continue to move on and let it all go.