Yesterday I was Super Morbidly Obese.

At what point do we realize how far we have come? Is it when we realize we went down in clothing size? Is it when we realize we can fit in a booth at a restaurant? Or when we realize we can buckle a seatbelt? Is it when we realize we can make it through a whole fitness class? Is it when we realize that we are making different choices? Or is it something totally different? Does it happen well after the new events?


It wasn’t until this weekend did I have my ultimate realization.

It happened Saturday morning when I had to give myself a pep talk before teaching spin. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had no idea how I was going to get through the class myself let alone keeping the class motivated and engaged. I had to get my head on straight; I needed a quiet moment for myself. As I stood in the empty locker room I looked into the mirror and gave myself a pep talk.

I am strong.

I have it in me to do great things and to get out there and motivate those people waiting for class to start.

I am so much stronger than I think I am.

At that moment, I suddenly got it.

My trainer has a couple phrases that she uses all the time. “You are stronger than you think you are” and constantly tells me “You’re stronger than that,” especially when I am beginning to struggle.

I never really got it until that moment. I am not the fat girl. I am not a fat instructor. I am fit and agile and strong and yes I am stronger than I think because I am not the fat girl anymore. At that point when I was looking in the mirror the fat girl disappeared and I saw me. There was no fat girl looking back at me. The result was an amazing class. I was full of energy and cheered them on as we jumped and raced. I have always been an energetic instructor but somehow this day felt different.

The next day I went to Christine after her spin n pump classes. Yes I did participate before anyone asks! I told her that I was not obese anymore acknowledging that I wasn't that fat girl anymore. I never really accepted my new body until the morning before. I have been reluctant on purchasing new smaller clothes because I “knew” that they wouldn’t fit. I was wrong about that too. I can shop off the rack from any store, just like I could when I was in high school.

A lot of you may be wondering how I’ve never seen in myself what others were seeing especially with all of the accomplishments I have shared in the past. You have to realize its one thing to tell people that I couldn't fit in a booth, wear normal clothes, and broke not just one chair but two chairs. It’s embarrassing, yes, without a doubt. However it is nothing like having to come face to face with what you have become. I was never a broken chair or a clothing size. I had to recognize, acknowledge and accept that I was super morbidly obese which became real when I went from that point to obese. Losing over 100 pounds and still being obese. That’s a big realization right there. That is how you know how heavy you have become.

I had to learn how to take the trash out of my head which is something I finally learned how to do within the past few months. I had to let it all go and had to trust the process. I was feeling stuck. I wasn’t feeling like the athlete that I had become. I still felt like the fat girl.

Today, I just want to get stronger. I want to run faster, longer. I want to lift heavier. I want to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life. I just want to be better. I want to do better. I can do that and I will do that.

Tasting the Past: Emotional Distress

Last night when I got home from the gym I went to make dinner. I wasn’t thrilled with anything that was in the house. Eventually I opted for thinly cut pork loin. Usually when I make it- it is super tender and moist. I cook it on the stove and then bake until perfection. I was impatient last night, I was feeling hungry despite having a protein bar after my workout. So I opted for fast and knew it would have the consistency of steak instead of pulled pork. All I did was put it in a nonstick pan with seasoning and added some bbq sauce when it was done. As it cooked it smelled great. I made up some onions and mushrooms and a side of beans. I also had some apple sauce with it. It was supposed to be a really good dinner.


Once it was done I sat down to eat it. The first bite was amazing. The second was pretty good. The third it started to get dicey. Next thing I knew I was sharing the pork with Koda. It’s not that it tasted bad because it wasn’t. The problem was it brought back a lot of memories that I had buried for so long. Emotions started bubbling up. All because the texture and the taste of the pork matched the pork chop dinners that I had when I was a kid-despite using a totally different recipe. We had pork chops a lot. More than I care to remember. It got to the point where I would refuse to eat it and ended up only eating the side dishes. My mom wasn’t happy about this but my dad was supportive and just pleased that I was eating my veggies.

This was my first time in over 12 years eating pork in this way. I started to feel angry, upset, physically ill… I felt like a failure, I felt poor. All from the texture and familiar taste of mom’s pork chops. Literally as I fought back the tears as I ate dinner last night I was getting more and more upset. I didn’t want to eat it. I felt as though my past was coming back to haunt me. I began to have memories pop up that I didn’t want to remember. Followed by remembering how I coped when I was a child into teenage years. I ate. I ate a lot, which you would have never known at the time. I was quite skinny. It wasn’t until I got older that I put the weight on.

After dinner I just wanted to be left alone. So I went to my room and iced down my shins and played a game on my phone. I was trying to deal with my emotions and didn’t really know how. Those memories took a perfectly good mood and turned them upside down. After a while, I got up and started to tidy up the kitchen. I found myself wanting to go through some of my old things in my room and just start throwing everything away. Anything that was a reminder of my past I wanted gone. I didn’t though. I decided to wait until this weekend because I may feel differently. I didn’t want to act totally irrational. After all… I was fine until I ate the pork.

It wasn’t too long after I was done with the kitchen that I decided to turn in for the night. I opened my window and listened to the crickets and frogs chirping. I felt the cool breeze enter my room, it was nice. But then the emotions in the pit of my stomach start to come up. I felt something warm and wet fall down my face. I laid there and couldn’t believe it. Crying? Over what? Next thing I knew I was thinking that 7-11 was open 24 hours and I could go get some chili nachos and a Slurpee, then I thought about a double whopper and chicken nuggets. Next thing I knew I wanted Ding Dong’s, Cheetos, Dorito’s, Oreo cookies, and donuts. Then I remembered a commercial I saw for Oreo donuts…even better. I was cursing Arby’s for closing so early because I love their sandwiches. Even though I only have one more week to go of my experiment of cutting out red meat. Last night I didn’t care. I wanted it all. I wasn’t interested in my fruits n berries. I wanted “real” food that “everyone” else can eat. I wanted something that tasted good. And the more I realized I didn’t have what I wanted the angrier I was getting. The interesting thing about this is you won’t find those types of foods in my kitchen. I know myself and know that I will want to eat an entire bag or box so it’s safer not being around.

Finally, I slowly began to come to my senses as I was debating on whether or not I was really going to go on a tour of various fast food places. I remembered how hard I have been working on getting healthier and stronger. I remembered my totally bad ass workout with Christine earlier in the day. I remembered how I have been able to amp up my workouts day by day and then… Then I realized I keep a food log for her to help keep me accountable and tweak things so everything is running at optimum levels… Did I really want to show her an all-out binge? Did I really want to know how many calories I was putting into my body? It’s bad enough that I would know about it- but to share something like that with her… I ended up walking laps in the house and then eventually fell asleep. I was so mad that I don’t have my punching bag anymore. I would have loved to go all out with that thing.

When I awoke this morning I was feeling a little better. I was pleased that I didn’t cave and head out into the darkness to feed my emotions. That wouldn’t have solved anything. It would have made me feel worse, both physically and mentally.

I won last night’s battle. But clearly the war still hasn’t been won. As I sit her typing this- the phantom smell of the pork permeates my nose. My throat feels like it’s choking up from the anticipation of the familiar texture. My stomach is churning. I didn’t bring the leftovers with me today for lunch. I don’t want them. I will give them away. I don’t like feeling like I did as I was growing up. I am stronger now. But the texture, smell, and flavor of the pork chop is testing my mental strength. I can’t let my past pull me back in. I must continue to move on and let it all go.

Are You Being Held Back From Your Greatness?

Is your "usual" crowd holding you back? Are you surrounding yourself with people who support all of your excuses and sabotage your efforts?

Why not surround yourself with positive people who will support and encourage you?

Take control of your life today. Sometimes we have to leave people behind so we can move forward. Believe it or not.. but life isn't all about what everyone else thinks. Your life is about you and no one else. Everything else is just noise.

Not happy?

Do something about it. Acknowledge what is broken and move forward.

Are you scared? It's ok.

I’ve said time and time again that losing weight is so much more than a physical transformation. It is a mind body transformation. It’s a huge adjustment, not only for yourself but for others around you. Losing weight involves gaining mental strength which is the essence behind a total lifestyle change.


For many they have been over weight their entire life. So they don’t just feel the pain of being an overweight adult. They also feel the pain of being an overweight child/teenager. They know exactly what it’s like to be the last one chosen on a team, they know what it’s like to bullied on the school bus and in the classroom, they know what it’s like not to be invited to parties or asked to prom. There is so much self confidence and self worth issues and can result in feeding emotions with foods. When these kids enter adulthood they become a pretty face…something that newly overweight adults hear as well. Perhaps one of the worst things people can say is “…but you have such a pretty face.” We know in our hearts that it’s just a very nice way of saying we are overweight and could look so much better.

Then one day enough becomes enough and we decide to lose the weight. But the decision isn’t just to lose the excess pounds. The decision involves leaving who we were behind-whether or not we consciously realize it. We are choosing a new way of life that is more than shedding the pounds; it’s about shedding the fear and excuses.

As your journey continues and you see not only the numbers on the scale go down and you watch your clothes fitting looser and looser. You will also realize how good your body feels. You’ll realize that you are doing things that you never thought possible. You are behaving in ways that are new to you. Instead of grabbing something quick that is loaded with fat and calories you whip up a 10 minute bean soup without second thought. This is the type of change that you have made that others notice, that your body loves, and that is what is keeping you successful.

There will come a point in your transformation where you will get scared. This is the ultimate turning point. This is where you can either run away with your new lifestyle or you can continue to hide in the shadows. This is the point when the old you fights back because that is the piece of you that helped to create the unhealthy lifestyle that you have become accustomed to. That piece of you does not want to die. But in order to continue on your path to greatness you must let that piece of you go. You are evolving. The new you is stepping into the light and kicking out the old unhappy you. What makes this so scary is the unknown. Embrace who you have become and who you are becoming. In order to grow and gain strength you have to be willing to try new things. You have to be willing to not succeed the first time but willing to get up and try again. This will be the difference between the old you and the new you.

The changes don’t happen overnight, but they do occur one choice at a time.

The Real Prize

A lot of people are talking about some of the contestants of The Biggest Loser quitting because they felt a twist in the game was “unfair”. After hearing so much about it, I decided to watch the episode to see what all the fuss was about. I was shocked at what I was seeing. Amazed that the contestants kept saying it was “unfair” for those who were sent home to have a chance to win it all. I wonder have any of these remaining contestants seen the show before. As long as I can remember, past contestants were brought back. Then to see that the contract clearly states that these things can/will occur makes me wonder did they bother reading what they signed? I also wonder do they not realize the amazing gift they were given to be selected to be on the ranch? They took advantage of every opportunity, from training with some of the best, learning from a great nutritionist, transforming their bodies, and of course the trips. In return, they should inspire the people who want to lose weight. Instead, by walking off the show I feel as though it was a slap in the face to everyone involved. It was an insult to the trainers; Allison; past, current and future contestants; additional support crews; staff; the fans…


With that said. The reason for quitting was cited as “unfairness”, they felt as though they were the best because they were the final five and they didn’t want their money or spot taken from someone who has been voted off the ranch. To me this sounds cowardice, bringing people back to compete with those who are on the ranch still…Think about it, who has the true advantage? The people who have been tearin it up at home or those living in a sheltered life on the ranch with the best trainers. In my opinion if you want to be the best, you have to beat the best. Just because you made it to the end of the “game” doesn’t make you the best. It means you played the game right, especially this season.

Helen Keller once said "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." I think Helen Keller is saying that without situations that test not only our physical but mental strength you could never truly appreciate the true joys in life. In this case the joy would be being the last one standing no matter what the circumstances. Whether you made it all the way to the end on the ranch, or won a spot after being sent home. Victory is still going to be sweet.

I have seen and heard many people talk about how unmotivated they feel about this season. We are all looking for someone who we can relate too- someone who is just like us. Seeing people walk off because they felt something was “unfair” is a slap in the face to those who auditioned and are sitting at home watching the show wondering why they weren’t chosen, knowing that they would be grateful for every minute they had there. There are many people who offer support and motivation for people who want to lose weight, but we don’t have our own tv shows. Perhaps instead of associating weight loss success with being chosen to be on a weight loss show, we should encourage at home weight loss. Thousands of people do this year after year, no cameras. Just regular people getting their sweat on.

If you are looking for extra support, there are people who lost a lot of weight and want to share their journeys with you, they want to help you. Check out your local gyms, they might have weight loss challenges that you can do. These are great because you are with a group of people. You get support and accountability. Same thing as you would get from being on tv, but with no cameras. The prize, the ultimate prize…health.

Building Evidence

I would like to talk about commitment and the concept of building evidence. Each and everyone of you had very good intentions when making the decision to lose weight. You were ready to make a change for yourself; you were committed to embarking on a journey into better health.


Everyone has their ups and downs while embarking on a weight loss journey. This journey isn’t a straight line that goes from point A to point B, which would be too easy. Instead the journey has lots of twists and turns and it’s hard. There are days where you simply don’t want to work out because you aren’t feeling it. That is a normal feeling, we all have those days. Then we will have days where you feel as though you can run a marathon! Again, this is totally normal.

Let’s talk about the days that are harder to get to the gym and what to do when you have a slow start or you begin to fall off the wagon.

First let’s look at commitment. Everyone in the entire world is committed to something. Whether you are committed to a sedentary lifestyle or one of health and fitness you made the choice, you are committed to your choice. But no fears, commitments can change. People who are committed to a sedentary lifestyle are not doomed to a lifestyle of being a couch potato. Instead they can change; they find a spark that makes them want to change. They want to be better, they want to do better. They want more out of life. This is why The Biggest Loser is so popular, it takes sedentary people who want more and immerses them in a lifestyle of health and fitness. What does this mean for you? You are committed to a healthy lifestyle; you proved this by simply by making a conscious decision to lose weight and get healthy. You have a new commitment.

Stay true to your commitment. Don’t allow any excuse to stop you from achieving your goals. We can talk ourselves out of everything. So when you start to slip and slide or are simply not wanting to work out…Remember the commitment you made to yourself. Realize you are building evidence.

Building evidence is a cool concept. With each workout and healthy choices made you are building evidence of your success. Remember back to week 1of your journey. What did it feel like? How hard was it to turn away from fries? What were your energy levels like? What is your energy level now? Is it higher? If so this is your evidence, you are able to see a change in yourself that is a direct result from the commitment you made to engage in a healthier lifestyle. Are you able to use heavier weights? If so, you are seeing yourself get stronger. Are you getting tired during a cardio class after 20 minutes or are you making it all the way through instead of 5 minutes during the first week? Are you realizing that you can do different activities that you believed you couldn’t before? Are you easier on yourself and smiling more? This is building evidence. This is your evidence.

What evidence have you built for yourself?

Positively Selfish

I would like to propose a new angle on the word selfish. I believe selfish to be a positive term especially with healthy lifestyles. When you pursue your health goals you need to put yourself first. Instead of thinking of that as "selfish", we need to look a step beyond and realize that by setting time aside for ourselves, we are putting ourselves in a better place to care for and be with the ones we love.


Selfish is not a bad word, it simply means we are looking after ourselves. For many of us, we are caregivers. Always taking care of everyone else- taking the kids to band practice and soccer, attending the company picnic, going out with friends, grocery shopping, taking care of ill or aging family members, working, juggling miscellaneous appointments, all while maintaining the household chores such as cooking, cleaning and walking the dog. Looking at this list…where is your “me” time? By putting everyone else first we can end up frazzled and exhausted, leaving us with little to give and ultimately ending up worn thin.

I don’t want any of you to feel frazzled. Instead I want you to feel empowered.

Let’s put the word selfish into a positive light and say “OK, I’m taking an hour to go exercise but that means my kids get a better mom/dad because I will have more energy to go outside and play with them longer and longer with each passing week.” Say to yourself,”My partner gets a better wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend because I’m more relaxed, energized and happy.” Your friends will notice the change too as your energy level continues to RISE!

Taking time for you is truly a better way of giving. You are taking the opportunity to be able to give not only to yourself, but also to your friends and family.