At what point do we realize how far we have come? Is it when we realize we went down in clothing size? Is it when we realize we can fit in a booth at a restaurant? Or when we realize we can buckle a seatbelt? Is it when we realize we can make it through a whole fitness class? Is it when we realize that we are making different choices? Or is it something totally different? Does it happen well after the new events?
It wasn’t until this weekend did I have my ultimate realization.
It happened Saturday morning when I had to give myself a pep talk before teaching spin. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had no idea how I was going to get through the class myself let alone keeping the class motivated and engaged. I had to get my head on straight; I needed a quiet moment for myself. As I stood in the empty locker room I looked into the mirror and gave myself a pep talk.
I am strong.
I have it in me to do great things and to get out there and motivate those people waiting for class to start.
I am so much stronger than I think I am.
At that moment, I suddenly got it.
My trainer has a couple phrases that she uses all the time. “You are stronger than you think you are” and constantly tells me “You’re stronger than that,” especially when I am beginning to struggle.
I never really got it until that moment. I am not the fat girl. I am not a fat instructor. I am fit and agile and strong and yes I am stronger than I think because I am not the fat girl anymore. At that point when I was looking in the mirror the fat girl disappeared and I saw me. There was no fat girl looking back at me. The result was an amazing class. I was full of energy and cheered them on as we jumped and raced. I have always been an energetic instructor but somehow this day felt different.
The next day I went to Christine after her spin n pump classes. Yes I did participate before anyone asks! I told her that I was not obese anymore acknowledging that I wasn't that fat girl anymore. I never really accepted my new body until the morning before. I have been reluctant on purchasing new smaller clothes because I “knew” that they wouldn’t fit. I was wrong about that too. I can shop off the rack from any store, just like I could when I was in high school.
A lot of you may be wondering how I’ve never seen in myself what others were seeing especially with all of the accomplishments I have shared in the past. You have to realize its one thing to tell people that I couldn't fit in a booth, wear normal clothes, and broke not just one chair but two chairs. It’s embarrassing, yes, without a doubt. However it is nothing like having to come face to face with what you have become. I was never a broken chair or a clothing size. I had to recognize, acknowledge and accept that I was super morbidly obese which became real when I went from that point to obese. Losing over 100 pounds and still being obese. That’s a big realization right there. That is how you know how heavy you have become.
I had to learn how to take the trash out of my head which is something I finally learned how to do within the past few months. I had to let it all go and had to trust the process. I was feeling stuck. I wasn’t feeling like the athlete that I had become. I still felt like the fat girl.
Today, I just want to get stronger. I want to run faster, longer. I want to lift heavier. I want to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life. I just want to be better. I want to do better. I can do that and I will do that.
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