Reflections

I sat alone in the main cafeteria. It’s a rather large room that can hold over 800 people. Typically I eat lunch with others, but today I didn’t. As I sat there alone, in the quiet I paid attention to what I was eating for lunch. Then began reflecting on my past, remembering what made me gain so much weight. There are a lot of different pieces to the puzzle, illness, pain, poor food choices, and not getting enough exercise.

The reality is even though during the time I gained my weight I was still exercising, I was eating so much that the exercise wasn’t enough. As I drank my water I remembered when I could easily drink 24 cans of pop in a single day. Each bite of my chicken I remembered when I would eat a Big Mac and a Double Cheeseburger with fries and a large coke for lunch. Breakfast would be two breakfast sandwitches and a hashbrown with coke. Dinner again, was always large with a lot of pop. Snacks were the same way. I was eating as though I was a summo wrestler. I thought nothing of it.

I paid attention to how good the zuchinni tasted and how fresh the mushroms and carrots were. I noticed the crispyness of the celery and the juiceyness of the chicken. I paid attention to the flavor of the brown rice. Everything tasted so clean and so delicious. In the past I would have never considered this for lunch. I would want heavy carbs, a lot of red meat and some sort of sweet.

There were times where I would stop at a fast food restaurant to grab a “meal” before I’d come home for dinner. When eating dinner I’d have several platefuls. This was normal to me. Don’t even get me started on the endless amount of donuts and ice-cream. I could polish off nearly a dozen of donets and a carten of ice-cream without any assistance. I thought nothing of it. I still went for walks, I would shoot the basketball around. I played softball. I had no idea that my behavior was less than normal.

It’s hard to explain to someone that you didn’t realize that you were in trouble with your weight. It’s hard to explain it to myself. How did I not know? I didn’t. It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around.

Focus came back to my lunch, to my water. To my smaller clothes. I realized that I am happier. I realized that now I am helping other people along on their journeys just by sharing my story.

Then I realized I still got a long way to go. Yes, I’m still having success. But my God. Sometimes it feels like this is never going to end. Sometimes I wonder if I want to keep going forward. Sometimes I wonder if I am happy enough. There is the key word. I don’t want to be happy “enough”. I want to be happy. Truly happy. I want to be successful. Truly successful. I don’t want to be good “enough”. I want to be good. So, yes I do want to keep going forward. I know that happiness will only continue to grow as I continue to do good things for my body.

Then I remembered not being able to fit into a booth at restaurants, spilling over the chairs. I remember not being able to walk between cars and I remember the seatbelts being tight. Then I had a smile come over my face. I fit into booths, with plenty of room to spare. I can walk straight on inbetween cars and I have to check and doublecheck to make sure I’m belted in because I don’t feel the seatbelt. I run a mile before my cardio classes just as a warm up. I had never done that before, not since high school at least.

I have struggled a lot. This journey hasn’t been easy. I’ve fallen off the wagon several times and have gained up to 75 pounds in no time at all. I’ve struggled with eating disorders. I’ve struggled with discovering who I really am, not who people expect or want me to be. It’s a frusterating journey. It’s hard. But it really is worth it. It’s worth good health. It’s worth the freedom. There is no magic pill or shake that is going to make things better. It’s hard work mentally and physically. The whole self needs to be healed: mind, body, soul.

Don’t give up on yourself. Even if you fall. Just reflect on your journies. Be aware of where you came from. Do this for yourself and not for anyone else. You are the most important person, without you there would be no more you in this world. Think about all the different things you’d never get to see, think about the many lives you could have had a positive affect on. No one should have to die from obesity. It’s a struggle, but help is out there. There are people who care. There are people who will be your friend no matter how big or small you are. Whether you gain 50 pounds or lose 60 pounds. There will always be support.

Surround yourself with positive people. Eliminate the negative. You’ll be surprised on how much lighter you will feel. Toxic people will just pull you down. You are like a beacon, getting brighter and brighter. Let your light shine. Keep exercising, keep eating right. If you make a mistake, brush it off and go at it again.

You can do this, just as I will finish what I have started.

Let’s do this together. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. LiveFit Revolution says it best. Obesity is not an option. So let’s get busy!